4titude

Finally 40 have set in
It took a while, there's no doubt about that
As mentally dispersed as I am (in reality it's just an overwhelming curiosity)
I've always sought answers and in that pursuit only deeper questions arise, they always do. Now I approach topics with a little bit more ingenuity and I no longer focus on just the answers, at least most of the time. Those supposed to guide me only blurred the path even more, throwing the blanket of their insecurities and frustrations over my quest, which is not theirs.
The very few, yet extremely valuable signs and directions always come from those you least expect, almost to the point of doubting coincidence. But sometimes you just have to let go to be free. I tried to reach the sky, but now I've got my feet on the ground and I've given up on that dream, and I also no longer fear being sent to Hell after I die. Hell is here and that is why I fear growing old and poor, everything else is just life and by now I've learned to deal with it.
I like to see people helping people, it reminds me some have learned the life lesson. I also like to see my mother's unbendable blind faith and I would love to see Obama do something for this nation other than giving Billions to the greedy and irresponsible corporations which are largely owned by the same Saudi and Middle Eastern men whom have partnerships in the Carlyle Group and are known to sponsor terrorism in Israel.
I try to make me believe that there are coincidences and not all is fate. Their purpose is to make life funny and leaving it all up to fate is like letting off the wheel. Which I do... but I also like to hold it and guide it, since I like to step on the gas sometimes. After all, if I die in a car accident it won't matter if it was fact.. or coincidence.
The guilt wheelbarrow I push everywhere I go has only strengthened my arms, the stronger I get, the heavier it gets. But my arms let me handle my woman in bed and I like pleasing her, cause it pleases me. The best book about sex you can find is exactly that, a woman next to you. If you fail once, she will understand, if you fail twice she will leave or grow ugly (like a bonzai twisted the wrong way) and you might as well give up and dedicate your life to greed and envy and making others miserable...or the church.
But now.. I have now.
I keep reminding myself to forget the past, and stop thinking about what didn't happen and what should have. Now.
I'm slowly giving up on future. No, not the common idea of a sun tomorrow. But the worry of a house, a job and a family, or retirement. Giving up on the worry of what is expected of me and all that garbage.
Now.. is now.
I have a roof over my head, good friends, decent health, a car to take me places and a cold, crisp Seattleite afternoon.
My vivace caramel is here, I never would have thought heaven was this simple and uncomplicated.
Unlike paradise, strong, curvy thighs, barely covered by skirt.
Forty
and still addicted to lust
in love with love
where music is my wine
and her sex my violin